Yesterday we went to Auburn with the objective of me giving a reading at an open-mic-style event for writers. As I often do, I got cold feet as it got closer to the time to go. We still drove out there anyway and gave it a try. There was a very small, homogeneous crowd of people who I felt awkward sharing my writing with. I didn’t feel like outing myself to a room of about five middle-aged to old, cis and straight appearing people. I don’t mean to be prejudice or stereotype, it just wasn’t comfortable for me facing the unknown. And I hate small crowds. It’s much more awkward than a large one. My social anxiety has been pretty nasty lately.
After we left, we went to a place called Emerson Park. Joey took some photography, and I took some phone photography, which actually works better for me than the DSLR camera. We were on Owasco Lake. It was nice out, and I had taken some Klonopin to relax for the reading, so I was pretty chilled out. I played on a playground and we looked at the water. We stayed til dusk. Now I am back in Syracuse, in the Valley at a coffee house I’ve never been to before. I find it kind of funny that it’s called The Broadway Cafe because this is sort of the middle of nowhere and definitely not anything like Broadway. Oh my GOD I am craving a cigarette. I have this ecig thing but it just isn’t cutting it today.
I am mostly trying to keep this particular blog about my travels and not a lot of self-reflection. I save that for my other writing. But if it leaks out time and again, that’s fine. I can’t wait to get our motor-home and just be on the road all the time. I’m not sure how much longer that will take. I’m ready though. Then these posts will start getting more interesting.
So next trip is to Geneva, NY for the Finger Lakes Pride Festival, where I will be selling and signing my books. Here’s some info on that, if you’re interested:
Yesterday we took a motorcycle ride to Carpenter Falls in Niles, NY. That’s sorta near Skaneateles. We also stopped in Skaneateles to charge Joey’s camera batteries at a gazebo in the park. It’s an odd place. Way more upscale than Syracuse. It’s a little too quaint for my liking, but nice for an occasional drop-in. Further south at Carpenter’s Falls, we did a lot of hiking. Or at least what I consider a lot. Some of it down and uphill with unstable terrain. It was mostly worth it. I like a little hiking now and again. Joey loves it though. He is a backpacking, survivalist person. He’s done a lot of that sort of thing. I like nature, but my attention span is too short for that. Also I only like physical exertion in short, controllable bursts. It occurred to us for the first time that we probably appear strange to people as two men on a motorcycle. I ride “bitch” so to speak. Sometimes I think my gender is indeterminable in a helmet, but lately I’ve had a mustache. And a beard, but that is hidden. Also, our water bottle flew off the motorcycle on the ride there, and we actually found it on the road on the ride back. Being on the back of the motorcycle gives me lots of time to myself to think. I especially like when I’m very tired and the breeze feels amazing and the sun is setting and we are riding through the country side. It’s lovely. Not much else is coming to mind to say about this trip. Here are some photos though. My next trip will also be to the Finger Lakes, because I’ll be doing a reading in Auburn on Thursday night. Until then! Unless something else happens.
Yesterday I went to a local used bookstore in Syracuse to sell some books. It went pretty well actually. I made $9. But while I was waiting, I saw someone who I was pretty sure was my ex-girlfriend from when I was 14. We dated for 3 months and kissed a few times behind dumpsters. Now I’m pretty sure this person must know I’m trans now, because I was also pretty trans then, and word gets around besides. But I wasn’t positive it was her. So, I figured it wouldn’t be polite (or even humanly possible) for me to look right at her face directly. And it certainly wouldn’t be socially acceptable to indicate that I recognized her. So I tried to look at her sideways while hiding behind a bookshelf, but the inherent problem was, if I could see her face, then that meant she could see mine. I didn’t want to appear like a stalker. So, I peered from between the books, as I often did when I recognized people while working at libraries. I tried to make it so only my one eye was visible, but then I was afraid that she would see me doing this and be even more freaked out. And yes, I am pretty sure she saw me. So I quickly left.
I told this nonchalantly to Joey later and he couldn’t stop laughing. Apparently, what neurotypical people would do in this situation is just look at the person’s face and smile, and maybe say, “Hey….So-and-So?” And that isn’t creepy at all. Apparently that’s normal. Apparently neurotypical people would find peeking through bookshelves to be the awkward and uncomfortable thing to do. Go figure. I said, “But that’s what people do in books and movies.” And Joey said, “Yes, because that’s the dramatic thing that people do in fantasies and that makes a better story.” Oh. And then he encouraged me to please write about this, no matter how briefly.
So, if you ever see me peeking at you through bookshelves, or anyone like me, please understand it’s because we are trying NOT to freak you out.