Ugh, today was not great. It’s amazing how all my insight can just go out the window. I’m really grateful to have a partner that helps me keep things in perspective though. Here is the very logical, admittedly humorous breakdown of what I did today. Paraphrased.
Writing course prompt gives option: write about happy or sad time. Obviously sad is the deeper choice. Plus, my poems last night were positive, and I have to show my range. I will write a poem about the most traumatic moment of my adult life and something I am still really struggling with. That will really move ’em! Aren’t I winning at this Writing to Heal Course? Open up old wounds and heal those motherfuckers!
Uh oh, I’m crying. For some reason I now feel really depressed.
Me: *sobbing* I wrote a sad poem about when we broke up and now I’m sad.
Me: Can we hug?
Joey: Of course.
Joey: Maybe you need to focus on grounding yourself in the present moment.
Me: I think I should do ketamine right now. I think that would be a great idea for me.
Joey: That is the worst idea ever.
Me: I think I should burn the poem!
Joey: Are you sure that’s dramatic enough?
Me: I will at least rip it up and delete it from the submission page for my class. Oh no, it won’t let me do that! I’m gonna freak out now!
Me: Are you annoyed?
Joey: It’s a little frustrating.
Me: I’m sorryyyyyyy
Joey: Stop licking your wounds! Do you need a cone of shame?
Shortly after: lot’s of laughter, albeit somewhat strained.
I’ve exhausted myself emotionally today and probably need to sleep. Why am I sometimes like this? Well, I know, I just don’t want to get into it. I’m just going to laugh at it because the alternative is crying and I’m all cried out.
This probably goes without saying, but I need to stick with a healthier approach to being an artist. My health as a human depends on it.
After this I felt all pouty and needy and nothing was good enough. Blah.
Here’s a really good quote from a book I’m reading. I’m just gonna put this here.
“Our fundamental longing to belong and feel loved becomes an insistent craving for substitutes …Our longing for sex and affection can become an anguished dependency on another human being to define and please us…. If we have been acutely frustrated or deprived, our fixated desire becomes desperate and unquenchable, and our entire life is hijacked by the force of this energy. We feel like a wanting self in all situations, with all people, throughout the day…This kind of thirst contracts our body and mind into a profound trance…The color of autumn leaves or a passage of poetry merely amplifies the feeling that there is a gaping hole in our life. …In bringing a clear comprehensive awareness to our situation, we begin to accept our wanting self with compassion. This frees us to move forward, to break out of old patterns.” -Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance.