When I was a teen, I hated my body and any of it’s feminine characteristics. However, I have changed. I have been off testosterone now for about 6 months and I’m very happy with the results. Having a period sucks, but not as bad as it did back as a teen. To be clear, I don’t see myself as de-transitioning. This is just a journey with estrogen. Nor am I simply a woman now. I still pass as male and I am keeping my beard most the time. I don’t identify as a man or male or masculine. The only word I like is “boy” but that get a little weirder for me as I age. I need to invent a new word.
I went on testosterone therapy as fast as I could as a young adult. I knew I was trans at 16 and I wanted to start then. Unfortunately my parents were combative, and you needed their consent up to age 18. But as soon as I was able to I got started on the process, and when I was 20 and in my second year of college, I was finally able to start getting the injections.
It was so different then than it is now. As I understand it, you can not just get your script for T online! This would have been life changing. I had to go though all this psychological testing to prove I wasn’t going to change my mind. And yet, 10 years later, here I am. But I don’t regret any of it in the slightest. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have times I wish I had left my chest alone and not had surgery.
It was such a battle back then. There’s more room for fluidity now, but not back then. Not if you wanted hormones. At least at the clinic I went to, you had to be a very typical, straight male inside. It was suffocating and abusive, being bullied into that toxic false idea of what masculinity is (and as I said, I’m not even masculine in my mind.)
I guess I just feel I am living proof that it’s OK if someone goes on hormones and changes their minds. I mean, on days when I want to look like a woman, its not exactly easy, and some work needs to be done, but it’s not so bad. Plus I prefer looking androgynous lately. Anyway. People need to not freak out so much about “what if trans people change their mind.” I wish we could almost just remove hormonal preferences from gender identity.
Back to the whole “boy” question. Maybe this will change, but I really only feel right when I think of myself as a feminine boy. A femboy. Even though I’m 32, most people see me as in my twenties. Some have even thought I was a teen, like when I was working. I don’t want to be a child forever, but I really identify with boy, especially being someone’s boy. 🙂
I think in my next entry I will try to get into the reasons why I went off T, followed by some of the changes I’ve noticed. I want to be careful because as I feel more in touch with my femininity I also try to be aware that I could just be falling prey to stereotypes (ie: easier to cry, feel my emotions). But there are some truths to those things. I’ve experienced it, bodily. At least for me.
Eventually I’d like to get into what I feel spiritually about my gender. Spirituality is hard for me, and I honestly am yearning for a feminine spiritual guide. But this is a whole other point. This is where I will end this first part of the series on my journey with estrogen.
Elliott DeLine, Author 