It has been almost two and a half years since I last wrote an entry. So much has changed…where do I even begin? I should start by saying that the summer of 2018 through to the fall of 2019 was a horrible year. In fact, the worst of my life. Since August 2019, things have started looking up, and after November 2019, things really got better. I mean, incredibly better. I suppose I will attempt to tell the whole story.
We lived at the big house in Lansing for about another 8 months. We moved back to Ithaca in February, and got a much smaller apartment about a 5 minute drive from downtown. It wasn’t accessible to walk though like when we lived downtown before. I was working at GenderCat part-time and really struggling there. I was also going to mental health programs, as well as alcohol and drug treatment, and sometimes trying to stand AA meetings. I was sober but miserable.
I spent a great deal of time aimlessly wandering downtown between the mental health building, library, coffee shops, and GenderCat, waiting for Sacred Root to open at 3pm so I could sit in a comfortable place and be around people. It’s a very hippy place, in a dark, not-well-ventilated basement. There are candles and a bar to sit at, and a golden Buddha head, and beautiful paintings by Gaia on the wall. She was the main bar tender there and we became friends. The music was always soothing. I would chat some, write, and sometimes just stare off into space undisturbed. It was a sanctuary for me.
All and all, I remember very little of the rest of 2018. I was horrifically depressed. I was delusional, jealous, and terrified of losing my relationship. This kept us physically distanced, as we had been since my hospitalization in 2017 and some of the horrible happenings. There was also the incident where I broke up with him in desperation, only to immediately regret it. I hate thinking about that day and that time. I was getting support from my long-distance friend, James, but felt very alone. I had a couple other friends in Ithaca but had trouble opening up.
My mental health got briefly better that winter 2018, and Joey, Drew and I took a trip to Florida to visit Joey’s parents. That was Christmas, and it was a nice one. Shortly after that though my mental health took another dive. I quit working at GenderCat with Joey and Erica and everybody, even though I was finally starting to do alright there and get the hang of things. I almost immediately realized my mistake but couldn’t go back. I still wanted to contribute to rent and do something, anything, so I tried working at a Regal Cinema. I lasted less than a week, and just walked out one day. After that, things got real bad. I wanted to sell and market my art but I had no energy. I started secretly drinking again.
In March of 2019, my life fell apart.
Joey was out of town on business. I was jealous and scared and delusional. My depression was so bad. I felt like dying, though I didn’t really express this. I yelled at him via text because I didn’t think he was showing enough concern. I took a Greyhound to my parents’ in Syracuse. Little did I know I wouldn’t be coming back home.
That night at my parents’, Joey finally had a break from work and responded to my texts, very upset and angry. I panicked, and it was the last straw. I wanted to kill myself. I started looking up a way to do it on the internet when Joey called. I confessed that to him. He wanted to drive down to take me to the hospital but I said I could get my parents to take me. They did.
I’ve started crying, and this is a very hard part to write. I think it’s really good to get this out though. I’ve neglected my writing for a long time.
However, this is the end for now, as I believe I will do this in parts. Thank you for reading my words.
Elliott DeLine, Author 