Someone wrote me a nice email today that said, “people will notice if you stop writing.” I don’t know if this is true, but isn’t it nice to think so? The truth is I’ve been so down on my writing lately. It used to be really important to me to identify as a writer.
Anyway. It used to be a big part of my identity, and that email today kind of made me feel how I used to feel. Or at least, want to feel that way. I haven’t wanted to do anything lately. I’ve been allowing space for that. I want to have immediate answers. Instead, I’m trying to sit with feeling lost. It’s uncomfortable. But I know it won’t always be this way.
Inspiration is a funny thing. I am proud that I have kept at this blog despite lacking much inspiration these past few months while recovering. Recovery is a funny thing too. Joey reminded me that it’s actually a big deal a few nights ago. We were having a fire.
I want to feel happy. Not all the time- I know that isn’t life. But just more of the time. I want to feel good waking up in the morning. I am still hoping, with medicine adjustments and other things. My life is really quite comfortable, outside of my mind.
In regards to my last post, I ended up coming out to that DBT group, as trans and in a same-gender relationship. Another member came out as a trans woman, which gave me an opportunity, and I was encouraged by people’s reactions. We’ll see how that goes in the future.
That’s all I can think to write about for now.
Elliott DeLine, Author 