Month: May 2018

Just some stuff

~ Elliott

It’s better to write something than nothing. It doesn’t have to be a groundbreaking book tonight. This helps me wind down for bed.

I had a positive experience of coming out to my DBT class as trans and in a same-gender relationship. I’m glad I did. In early posts, I mentioned how it was holding me back from expressing myself. Everyone was really nice about it, including the instructor. That was a relief. I went for the first time today with everyone knowing, and it just felt right.

I’m still dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety. I react to anxiety lately by sleeping. I know that probably sounds weird but it’s true. It’s a way of putting off my stress. Everyday things cause me tremendous anxiety. Today I was proud of myself because I biked to downtown, which is a good 30-45 minute bike ride from our house. I think I am going to try it again tomorrow and hopefully it’ll be less rainy.

Working at GC has been sporadic. I struggle with getting bored and overwhelmed, which usually feel intermingled. I am trying to just stay in the moment and focus. This week has been weird though because of Joey’s schedule shifting, and blah blah blah. The point is I haven’t worked much this week. Which is making me feel this nagging guilt, which is really not necessary.

I started a new anti-depressant which is really slow to start. My psychiatrist is hopeful it will give me a mood boost though, which would be….great. I also ordered a date book because I’ve been feeling really lost in time without one. When that arrives it will be a relief.

Something I’ve been thinking about is closeness. It relates somewhat to what we are covering in DBT (interpersonal effectiveness). I’ve been trying to be more open to my partner, and hopefully other people soon too. I sometimes have expected it to be a one way street– what I mean is, I’ve been upset because I “don’t feel close,” and I tell him this and it seems to just get worse. I’m working on instead accepting the feeling as my own, and trying to instigate activities to be close, and be more present when we are together and a better listener.

 

“People will notice if you stop writing.”

~ Elliott

Someone wrote me a nice email today that said, “people will notice if you stop writing.” I don’t know if this is true, but isn’t it nice to think so? The truth is I’ve been so down on my writing lately. It used to be really important to me to identify as a writer.

Anyway. It used to be a big part of my identity, and that email today kind of made me feel how I used to feel. Or at least, want to feel that way. I haven’t wanted to do anything lately. I’ve been allowing space for that. I want to have immediate answers. Instead, I’m trying to sit with feeling lost. It’s uncomfortable. But I know it won’t always be this way.

Inspiration is a funny thing. I am proud that I have kept at this blog despite lacking much inspiration these past few months while recovering. Recovery is a funny thing too. Joey reminded me that it’s actually a big deal a few nights ago. We were having a fire.

I want to feel happy. Not all the time- I know that isn’t life. But just more of the time. I want to feel good waking up in the morning. I am still hoping, with medicine adjustments and other things. My life is really quite comfortable, outside of my mind.

In regards to my last post, I ended up coming out to that DBT group, as trans and in a same-gender relationship. Another member came out as a trans woman, which gave me an opportunity, and I was encouraged by people’s reactions. We’ll see how that goes in the future.

That’s all I can think to write about for now.