I feel depressed. It’s annoying. I feel like I should be in a good mood, because things are going fine. Better than fine. Last night was the Oakland Queer Open Mic. It was a really good event, and I played two songs and read a short except of one of my essays. I’ll be back next week as a featured artist, reading, selling, and signing my books.
In a couple days, I’ll be a featured reader at the San Francisco Queer Open Mic. I’ve wanted to do this for a while.
For some reason, no matter how many events I do or things I publish or whatever, I feel disconnected and empty.
I’m traveling. I have a great boyfriend. I have great cats. My books are being read. I’m not stuck in Syracuse. I take antidepressants. Why aren’t I happy?
Sorry, I suppose it would be more interesting to hear something else. But this is how I currently feel. I’m trying to get through it anyway and do things to take care of myself. It’s funny, when I don’t have any readings going on, I feel unsuccessful and mopey. When I do, I feel like I just gotta get through them.
I’m going to try to fix this. I need to look at what I’ve done in the past and apply it to the present. Otherwise this just spirals.
Until next week. Hopefully I cheer up. Meanwhile, we’re still in Manteca, at the RV park. I’m going to try to seriously work on fixing this negative thinking in the morning. I want to be more open to people. I just don’t honestly know how. Even if I see people and try to socialize, there’s this wall. I need to examine that.
We have moved further north to Manteca, California. It’s between Modesto and Stockton. About an hour east of Oakland. Last week we stayed in Paicines and briefly at Morgan Hill. Joey and I also visited friends in Santa Cruz. We went to a karaoke night at a bowling alley, on a Tuesday. I got wasted and did lots of karaoke. I never want to drink again.
Here are some photos of our cats in the cuties box.
I guess WordPress lets you put stuff in circles now.
I am tired of winter. I always thought it was the snow that got me down. No. It’s the short days and lack of sunlight, even here. I’m really ready to move on from California for a while, but I’ve got a reading in San Francisco on the 22nd. After the SF reading, we’ll be headed back to Southern California, where I’ve got a writers’ conference in March/April. I’m looking forward to both these things. But I’m really looking forward to checking out Oregon this spring-summer.
Oh hey, if you live in San Francisco you should come see me read!
Oh and I’ve started playing this…Sigh.
Oh, and today at Morgan Hill we found a pork chop in the sewer at the dump station.
So this week we’ve been staying at an RV park located sort of in the middle of nowhere, inland California. We’re further north, so it’s less drouth-y and that’s a plus. It’s been nice having electricity and water hookups again, and there’s a public shower that’s pretty decent. We recently got a tent room thing and an electric heater, so that’s been pretty awesome too. Joey and I use it as a workspace.
Joey and I have gotten up every past morning and gotten coffee at the lodge. I’ve just wanted to be around people lately. It’s weird, because it used to be Joey who was so eager to make friends and I was reluctant. Usually it’s just us and some of the workers though. I really want to meet more people. A part of me wishes we went with going to Quartzsite, but I have important writerly things coming up in San Francisco and Los Angeles that I’m excited about. Maybe next year.
It’s kinda dull here, except that there is an abundance of wildlife. We have seen at this park:
Two great-horned owls, several times
Dozens, possibly 100+ quails, all the time
Hares, several times
Flickers and Woodpeckers, all the time
Mule deer, several times.
The following are all pubic domain images, because I was not lucky enough to capture photos of any of them.